Lost and alone

2010 was a terrible year for me. So much happened and I’m still trying to get a handle on myself and what happened. I had some great professional triumphs (e.g. I shot Jude Law, Kelsea Crammer, Sean Hayes, and numerous other celebrities. In retrospect I wish I hadn’t. In my head I thought that it would help my career, it mad it so much worse. I got to see my work on posters, in Time Square on a huge billboard, and on CBS TV. I was feeling pretty proud of myself, but then suddenly everyone stopped talking to me. It was amazed that no one wanted to wok with me anymore. Months later I heard about a group of local photographers who were bad mouthing me. Seriously I was and still am in shock people I thought were friends that I supported did that to me.

Someone I felt was a close friend basically used my company to get tons of designs to make serious money. She then refused to pay us even though we had a signed contract. This is someone I thought I knew and when I look back at all the posts she read and commented on I see she was just using me.

Between these things and my relationship getting worse and worse, I really lost it. I ended up moving out and away from my wife. I still get to see my son but I am embarrassed and feel unworthy. Started therapy and got on some antidepressants that help a little.

Just feel so hurt and attacked that I attacked people I love back. I'm so alone and mad at myself. I have an urge to at least try to make some art to get the feeling out but I can't. It's just terrible and I hate it!